Conflict Management: The Most Expensive Thing is to Let It Escalate into a Dispute

written by Dr. Srđan Šimac, Judge of the High Commercial Court of the Republic of Croatia

At the beginning of the workshop I recently conducted, I asked the participants several questions: Who among you currently has a conflict out of control? Who is in a court dispute? Do you have someone you were very close to, but today you no longer talk? And what is the hardest part about the decision to be the first to call them?

The answers were very similar: Conflict is an uncomfortable experience for me, It causes me discomfort, It takes away my peace, It creates stress and tension for me, I don’t want to be the first to call because I’m afraid I’ll look weak, I don’t want to be hurt again… I believe many can recognize themselves in these answers. We simply do not perceive conflicts as something usual and natural, but rather as something uncomfortable, threatening, and exhausting. That is why we often try to avoid them, postpone them, or hope they will resolve themselves.

However, conflict is inevitable. Conflict is an integral part of life and business. There is no person without conflict. There is no family without conflict. There is no team without conflict. There is no partnership without conflict. There is no brand without conflict. Conflict is not an exception. Conflict is life. And our discomfort towards conflict does not contribute to its resolution in any way. On the contrary. The more uncomfortable we find conflict, the more we tend to avoid it. And the more we avoid it, the more it grows, and the less likely we are to resolve it. Many people avoid confronting conflict because they believe it will save them time. The truth is actually the opposite. The more we postpone confronting conflict and resolving it, the more time, energy, and life we ultimately waste on it.

We Depend on Other People

Numerous studies confirm that our success largely depends on the quality of our relationships with other people. It is estimated that about 80 percent of our success depends on other people, and nearly 95 percent of our happiness is connected to other people. For success, we need: customers, partners, employees, collaborators, suppliers, investors, friends, family. In other words, almost everything that is important to us in life is connected to people.

And to be successful with other people, you need communication skills. Negotiation skills. Collaboration skills. And among the most important of all – conflict management skills. No one is born with these skills, you do not receive them at birth. You learn them, develop them through experience, and refine them throughout your life. I believe that conflict management is one of the most important and, so far, quite wrongly, one of the underestimated business skills of today.

However, it is precisely thanks to other people that we have almost everything that is important to us in life. Thanks to other people, we create value, build businesses, launch ideas, create families, and find meaning. Everything we create, we create with others and for others. Our entire life and business largely boil down to our ability to successfully collaborate with other people. And because of this, the quality of our relationships often determines the quality of our lives. Because people do not succeed alone. People succeed together.

The Lesson of the ‘First Disagreement’

All entrepreneurs invest enormous energy, time, and resources in the development of products and services, in marketing, sales, visibility, and reputation. However, no brand arises by itself. And it is not built solely by your products. Your brand is built by your relationships. And relationships inevitably produce disagreements and conflicts sooner or later. That is why conflict management is actually relationship management. Therefore, stop viewing relationships with people with whom you want to jointly build their, your, and mutual success as relationships from which you will only ‘take away’. It is much more important to view them as relationships in which you will primarily ‘bring in’.

While we agree, we are all good communicators. While we agree, we all know how to collaborate. However, remember what really happens when the first serious disagreement arises in your business relationship with a partner. Why does the very ability to collaborate, on which you have built your business success until then, disappear so quickly? Why do you stop listening, understanding, and collaborating, and start defending and attacking?

Why does your ability to collaborate vanish precisely at the moment when you need it the most? Perhaps precisely because no one has seriously taught us how to deal with disagreements and conflicts. And the true quality of our relationships is not seen when we agree. The true quality of our relationships is seen when we disagree. It is precisely then that it becomes visible how capable we are: to listen, understand, collaborate, respect differences, manage our own emotions, and seek solutions together, despite the initial disagreement.

When I mention the word conflict, most people first think of something negative. A problem. A threat. A quarrel. Stress. This is not accidental. Most of us have learned to view conflict exclusively through a negative perspective. That is why a large number of people prefer to avoid conflict rather than approach and confront it.

The Problem is the Reaction to Conflict

But conflict itself is not a problem. The problem can only be our reaction to conflict. The Chinese symbols for crisis combine two meanings – problem and opportunity. This is an important message – in every conflict, there is a problem and an opportunity. What kind of opportunity? An opportunity for better communication, an opportunity for growth, an opportunity for learning, and an opportunity for improving our relationships. And whether the conflict becomes a problem or an opportunity for you depends on you. Therefore, take away the negative connotation from conflicts. Do not be afraid of them. Expect them, accept them, and learn to manage them in a timely manner, before they irreversibly escalate and turn into a (court) dispute. Keep in mind that conflicts are not defects. They are signals.

Signals that something in relationships, communication, organization, or business is no longer functioning as it should. That is why conflicts are a call for necessary change. They alert us to something that requires our immediate attention. No one who cares about improving things causes conflict. Just as physical pain warns us that something is wrong with our body, conflict warns us that something requires change – in our relationships, communication style, or business processes. The problem arises when we ignore the message that conflict sends us. Because if we do not manage our conflicts, conflicts will manage us.

The Economy of Conflict Escalation

In today’s world, the prevailing lesson is – retaliate, win, prove you are right. Almost no one teaches us – pause, listen to understand, de-escalate, restore a sense of security, seek a solution instead of a victory. Yes, we literally live in an economy of conflict escalation. The greater the conflict, the greater the fear. The more fear there is, the more aggression there is. The more aggression there is, the less trust there is. And the less trust there is, the less space there is for quality communication and reasonable problem-solving. True leadership is not escalation. True leadership is de-escalation.

Because the goal is not to win in conflict. The goal is to protect what is important to you. And that is your business, relationships, future, peace, and life. You do not need a collaborator, advisor, or expert who will pour oil on the fire in your conflict. You need someone who will help you clearly see the situation, all available options, understand the consequences, and make decisions that protect your interests in the long term. The right question is not: How will you win in conflict? The right question is: How will you resolve the conflict with the least possible damage to you, the people around you, your relationships, and your future? Because not every victory is a real victory. Sometimes you will win in a conflict or dispute, but you will lose a business partner, a customer, your health, years of life, and your peace. And that is a very expensive victory.

You Are Not Here to Wage Wars

The task of entrepreneurs is not to wage communication and legal wars. Your task is not to spend years in disputes. Your task is not to prove you are right. Your task is to run a business, create new value, develop the business, build the future, and continuously acquire new knowledge and skills. Therefore, do not manage disputes. Manage conflicts. A dispute, especially a court one, is not a natural state of your business. It is most often a consequence of a conflict that you did not manage early enough, seriously enough, or qualitatively enough. Therefore, do not allow any of your internal or external conflicts to turn into a dispute. Because disputes take away your energy, time, money, business, relationships, peace, and ultimately – life.

That is why I believe that every conflict you allow to turn into a dispute is your business failure and business risk. Not because conflicts should not exist, but because entrepreneurs are not created to wage ‘wars’. You do not live and work for disputes. You do not invest your time, knowledge, and energy to produce failures. You create new value. Therefore, perhaps the most important question for every entrepreneur should not be: How will I win in a dispute? But: What can I do beforehand to prevent a dispute from occurring? Because true success is not winning in a dispute. True success is preventing it.

Do Not Leave Conflicts to Others

The HR department is important. Lawyers are important. Attorneys are important. Courts are important. But keep in mind that your business problem was most often not a legal problem. It is primarily your business problem. And therefore, treat it just like any other important problem in your business – seriously, responsibly, and early enough. Moreover, devote even more attention to it than to other business problems. Because few things in business have the potential to destroy as much energy, time, relationships, and value as unresolved conflicts.

And one more thing: your business problem is not your lawyer’s problem. It is not your legal department’s problem. It is not the court’s problem. It is exclusively your problem. And therefore, treat it as its real and only owner. And never again let go of ownership of your own conflict. One of the biggest mistakes that business people and organizations make is that they relinquish control over the conflict from their hands, as well as completely transfer the responsibility for its resolution to others and third parties. In doing so, they often believe that they will relieve themselves, save time, and distance themselves from the problem. The truth is often quite the opposite. The more you distance yourself from your own conflict, the more you relinquish control over it to others, and the more you transfer the responsibility for its resolution exclusively to others and third parties, the deeper and longer you are in it every day.

When Conflicts Start to Lead…

That is why the biggest mistake you can make as business people is to exclude the most important people from your own conflict: yourself, partners, owners, decision-makers, and even the other party in the conflict. And these are all people without whom a real resolution of the conflict is often not possible. You know very well that only you know what happened and why in the conflict. That is why no one but you and the other party in the conflict can better know what kind of solution would be good for your life and business.

You temporarily do not see the solution to the conflict in that state. Not because it does not exist, but because your view as an active participant in the conflict is often clouded by emotions, hurt, fear, and the heat of the conflict itself. That is why it is often not necessary for someone else to resolve your conflict (problem). Sometimes it is enough for someone to help you see again what you have temporarily stopped seeing because of the conflict. Therefore, do not exclusively transfer your conflicts to others and third parties. On the contrary, you need to personally and actively manage them, with the help of those others and third parties when needed. Mediators are among the most important of them.