What to Do When You Become a Collateral Victim of a Love Triangle at Work?

Although you do not have to participate in a workplace romance yourself, its development can significantly impact you indirectly. What to do when romantic energy intertwines with negativity?

Question:

I work in a company where the director and the HR manager have been in a tumultuous romantic relationship for years. The situation was a public secret. Not long ago, he left her and entered into a relationship with another colleague. Since that happened, the HR manager has started to harass the new director’s choice with transfers and reductions in authority. Both her and the entire department in which she works. And the director remains silent because he has “butter on his head.” It may not be important to this story, but all the actors in this love triangle have their marriages outside the company.

As I am one of the employees in that department, I need your help on how to position myself and neutralize the influence of the hurt manager without having to move to another department.

Answer:

The situation you describe sounds like a soap opera script! Another proof that life truly writes diverse stories.

In all of this, you have found yourself as a collateral victim. And unlike most other readers who write to the column, you do not have a direct influence. Do not let that discourage you, as only three, as you call them, actors have direct influence, and I believe you would not want to be in the shoes of any of them. Their stakes (and thus possible losses) are much greater, which is fair because they are responsible.

The first choice you have will sound pacifistic, and that is – do nothing. Why? Because neutralizing the influence of the hurt manager is not within your power. Her influence can be mitigated by the director, herself, or time. When I say that it would be purposeful to do nothing, I actually expect that time will do its work. Because it will. The manager has recently been abandoned, replaced, and hurt. Her reactions are anger and revenge, as a consequence of helplessness. It takes some time for those emotions to “deflate”… after a few months, they will no longer have the same strength as they do now, nor will the manager have new areas to influence. Larger personnel changes or layoffs, fortunately, do not depend solely on her.

The second choice concerns exclusively your relationship with the manager, or how you will position yourself. Of course, if possible, and if you have any degree of empathy towards her. Treat her with kindness. With basic human warmth. As someone who is wounded (because she is!). I do not mean that you should become her “trusted person” or delve into the topic of the love triangle (not for a second!), but that to the extent that you normally cooperate, you should be empathetic. Of course, if you have that in you for her and if it is sincere. Only then could it be effective. This is an opportunity for you to be bypassed by her negative emotions, and she gains in you a person who is not necessarily her enemy.

What is extremely important is not to take sides, not to lean towards any of the actors in this love triangle. Namely, it is very likely that this soap opera will get a few more episodes, and then you do not want to be entangled more than you are now, I am sure.

As for the director, he has been disoriented for a long time, it seems, so I do not think it would be purposeful to ask him to start doing his job. Over time, that may happen, but as a consequence of some other events that he will not be able to “sweep under the rug.”

As for the actress from your department, you neither need nor can help her. She has made her decision, and unlike everyone else in your department, she is not a collateral victim. Keep that in mind.