Forgiving Does Not Mean Accepting Someone’s Behavior

Forgiveness does not mean that you have reconciled with someone’s behavior. Forgiveness does not mean that you should no longer feel anything. Forgiveness does not mean that everything is fine and that there is nothing more to work on or that the incident should be forgotten. To forgive does not mean to keep that person in your life, and it is not something done for the sake of another. Through forgiveness, we accept the reality of what happened and find a way to live with it. This can be a gradual process and does not necessarily involve the person you are forgiving. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself.

If forgiveness is something we do for ourselves and that helps us heal, why is it so difficult? The reasons are varied: we are filled with anger and planning revenge; we enjoy the imagined feeling of superiority; we do not know how to resolve the situation; we are addicted to the adrenaline that anger brings; we see ourselves as victims or fear that by forgiving we will have to be in contact with that person again.

These reasons surface when we are more in touch with ourselves, when we know how to recognize our boundaries and feelings. Now that we know what forgiveness is not and why it is so difficult, we must ask ourselves – do I want to forgive? Forgiveness requires a strong desire to forgive. Sometimes that desire will not be there because someone has hurt you too much, or they have not shown remorse. Do not even attempt to forgive something before you have identified, fully felt, and released your anger and pain.

If you have decided to forgive, try to follow these steps: Think about the incident that hurt you. Accept that it happened and how you reacted. Recognize how that event has marked you; what you have learned about yourself. Not only did you survive the incident, but you also gained something from it. Think about the person who hurt you. He or she has flaws like everyone else and acted out of their limited beliefs. When they hurt you, they were trying to meet some need of their own. Can you understand what it was about? Finally, decide if you want to tell that person that you have forgiven them. If you will not do it directly, do it for yourself. Just say out loud: I forgive you! Through forgiveness, we can conclude the event that hurt us. We will still remember it, but we will not be bound by it. By establishing our feelings and boundaries, we will better cope with similar events in the future.