In some relationships with colleagues, it seems that we are “stuck” and that nothing leads us to a final (and positive!) solution. Although we would genuinely like things to move from a standstill, is it always realistic to expect that something will change in reality, or should we only change what we have complete influence over – our perception?
Question:
I work in a position that requires collaboration and coordination with colleagues. In this collaboration, tasks are always clearly divided, and conflicts rarely arise, and if they do, I resolve them without major difficulties except with a colleague who has an occasional tendency to neglect the tasks assigned to her. Whenever she does not complete her tasks, I do them instead of her, and when I point out her oversight, she personalizes everything and introduces discomfort into the relationship by refusing all communication and acting offended. She behaves this way towards most other colleagues occasionally as well. After I warn her, I feel bad, and the relationships are strained, and if I do not point out her mistakes, I am doing her work, which I do not consider fair, so I would like to find a way for everyone to do their tasks without the relationships being strained and without me being emotionally blackmailed. The boss is not aware of the situation. I feel stupid reporting her because I think it would lead to greater conflict. All of this troubles me, affects me personally, and makes my job harder, and I do not know how to position myself.
Answer:
I know little about chess, but it seems to me that the “arranged pieces” as you describe in the situation could be called a stalemate. It’s as if you have already tried all possible moves, and each of them does not lead you to a satisfactory solution. You say you would like to find a way for everyone to do their tasks without the relationships being strained and without you being emotionally blackmailed. And that is a legitimate and beautiful desire, but pay attention to which part of that desire you have complete influence over?
Do you have influence over whether everyone will do their tasks? No. You can only guarantee that for your part. Who is the person who could (and should) have more influence over work processes, both at the individual and collective level? Your boss. It is in his job description to notice shortcomings and point them out to employees. There can be various reasons why he does not do this, but instead of elaborating on them, I will just state that, unfortunately, this is not a rare occurrence and that many superiors let their people “figure it out themselves.” Also, a superior exists to help solve problems that employees cannot solve on their own (as in your case). You say that involving him would create greater conflict, and that may be true, but we do not actually know that (at least I do not know). You have not yet tried that possibility.
Who has influence over what the relationships are like, specifically, whether they are strained or not? The people in the relationship… so your influence is only partial. And it is important, but the influence of the problematic colleague is no less significant. It seems she has chosen an interesting strategy that she is currently successfully implementing: she has unilaterally reduced her workload, and when she is called to account, she behaves like an offended little girl whom everyone then leaves alone for a while… in any case, she has “earned a PhD” in avoidance – both of tasks and healthy confrontation. A lot of self-will for someone who should be equal among equals. Since this is an emotionally immature pattern from early developmental stages, I hope you do not expect that one morning she will wake up and become the responsible, respectful, and open-to-agreement colleague you would like to have in your environment. Because she won’t.
