British Bankers on Their Knees and Begging

The rich are crying, and in the case of the humble and modest British bankers from the Royal Bank of Scotland and HBOS, they are not just crying but sobbing and begging on their knees. Today, they will offer an apology to the wider island public for bringing their companies to the brink of collapse.

However, they will take the opportunity to remind the same public, otherwise furious over some minor bonuses, that they too have been punished for failure, having lost millions of pounds due to averted bankruptcy. They are now, therefore, on the begging stick. Sir Fred Goodwin and Sir Tom McKillop, the former director and chairman of RBS, will express regret at a meeting with the parliamentary finance committee, accompanied by Andy Hornby and Lord Stevenson of Coddenham, also former directors and chairmen of HBOS. The first bank is now a good 68% in the hands of the government, while the newly formed Lloyds Banking Group, created after the rescue of HBOS by Lloyds TSB, is currently funded by taxpayers with a 43% stake. The Times reports that these tearful directors have well rehearsed their performance under the direction of an army of PR professionals and other media experts, in order to convincingly navigate the uncomfortable bombardment of questions from glory-hungry politicians.

Unnamed sources told The Times that the heads will be ‘humble’ and may even use the word ‘sorry’ if the opportunity arises. However, to ensure that it does not remain just expressions of sympathy, they will mention their own misfortune in an attempt to avoid a lynch mob. Just like when a child feigns humility out of fear of punishment, even though they do not think they have done anything terribly wrong. The directors will inform the committee that they have lost 90% of their investment in their banks’ shares. What they will not mention is the total amount of their assets, excluding shares. Only Hornby, having retained his position as an advisor after being catapulted from the director’s seat, continues to earn £60,000 a month, but has lost £9.5 million on shares, leaving him with only £500,000 (3.5 million kuna), and his colleagues share a similar fate. In addition to acknowledging the obvious, it is expected that the gentlemen bankers will use this opportunity to drag down some regulatory bodies with them, explaining their role in everything, and will effectively point out that none of the three responsible parties, the ministry, the central bank, and the regulatory agency, could have predicted a collapse of this magnitude. (Vanja Figenwald)